The Internal Conflict of SX Work

Sometimes guilt and shame were, ironically, keeping me in the adult industry—even when, deep down, I didn’t want to be in it anymore. I didn’t want to face these feelings on any deep level by walking away, let alone deal with the reality that would follow. Half of me convinced myself I was doing well: I was making more money than any “job” had provided me, and I felt I'd gained power after a youth filled with harm - from men, poverty, trauma, etc.

But then there was the other half of me—the part I desperately tried to run and flee from. Shame began to fill me to the brim after every appointment, massage, or encounter with a male client. In one version of reality, I felt powerful. In another, I felt disgusted.

These two opposing truths of my time in SX work still hold space within me. Both were real, and both existed simultaneously...

The tipping point came when most all of my encounters with men started to bring nothing but disgust, and I began loathing my own self. I consciously escaped from feeling my body; acting out “a part” so deeply ingrained in my psyche that I hardly recognized myself. On the rare occasions I did, guilt and shame would sweep over me like a tidal wave, knocking me off balance.

There was no desire left in me to get undressed, touched, or even looked at by clients. Anger began creeping in. The internal battle was constant:“Do this—No, please don’t do this.”

Sexual autonomy was something I convinced myself I had, yet I continued putting myself in situations where I traded comfort, self-trust, safety, and presence for money.

This inner conflict grew more challenging as I began breaking into the “high-level” escorting scene. A part of me enjoyed the thrill of it—the game. Learning male psychology, reading body language, mastering tonality, playing the part while fully knowing I had zero interest in the man. Yet, no matter how much I leaned into the thrill, the discomfort persisted and only grew.

Toward the end of my time in the industry, everything began to shift. Meditation practices, plant medicines, life coaching, and spiritual development all played a role in awakening something deeper within me. The idea of willingly flaunting my body, presenting myself like a product to be swiped through, and creating a persona purely for external validation… it all became unbearable.

My soul began to ache with an immense amount of pain, and beneath that pain was grief. Deep grief. Remorse. Unhealed childhood wounds and fear.

I’ve learned over the past two years of being out of the work that these feelings—grief, remorse, pain—are gifts to be felt. They come in cycles, supporting me as I continue to grow and heal. But I couldn’t access them fully while I was still in the industry. It would have been too much for my system to bear.

I’m immensely grateful for the time, patience, and provision I’ve given myself these past two years to heal step by step, in a way that feels supportive. I’ve learned that the conflicting emotions—feeling both empowered and disempowered, free and stuck, proud and ashamed—are normal. Holding all of these truths is okay.

Now, my only job is to continue walking this path with openness and trust. My job is to be available to my heart, soul, body, and mind. My job is to practice true sexual and self-autonomy (which I’ll explore in another writing).

My job is soul work.

That is true freedom.

And so it goes on…

With care, Marie