Rebuilding Self-Trust After the Adult Industry

When Self-Trust Breaks Down from Adult Industry Kind of Work

What does it even mean to "trust-myself?" Engaging in dynamics—sexual or otherwise—that you don’t truly (deep down, soul level) wish to be part of but intentionally choose anyway, or sacrifice for money, creates an internal conflict. That part is true. And over time, this dissonance can erode our own internal system’s ability to trust itself.

For me, this lack of self-trust spilled into every corner of my life. I lost touch with my body, my dreams, and my desires. My nervous system remained in overdrive, fueled by denial and the unhealthy "need" to keep going. I became desensitized to what I truly wanted and needed.

If the work you’ve done has gone against your core values or sense of safety, it’s natural for that to disrupt your ability to make decisions aligned with your well-being, let alone your souls needs and desires. It impacts the way you follow through with your word, maintain healthy habits, and envision a thriving future for yourself...

That said, I believe that service and dedicated, passion driven work, helping people, making an honest living, etc —even when it’s not what our "younger self" “wants” to do—can be healthy and character-building, as long as it doesn’t come at the expense of our soul.

The Cycles of Mistrust

If you’ve experienced repetitive cycles, such as via an addiction of some kind; or, of leaving the industry, promising yourself you’d quit, and then returning, it’s no wonder self-trust feels fragile. At the macro level, if you’ve been through experiences like me where you kept leavnig sex work, or promising yourself you’d quit, or trying then “failing” out in society (or convincing yourself you would fail without SW), or have gone through repetitive cycles over and over again - Of course it would mega make sense, that, every time you’d tell yourself one thing, then go back and do it again, that hurts the heart and makes a wound of distrust. As if a little girl within me would scream; “i thought we weren’t going to do this anymore!.” as adult self is saying “Just one more time, then we’re done”. Being neglected and/or abandoned as a child can create very hidden cyclical patterns and ways we attract similar situations in adult life, even and especially towards our self.

The Parallels to Toxic Relationships

This dynamic is similar to staying in a toxic relationship you know isn’t serving you. Despite knowing there are ways to leave, something inside you clings to the small moments that feel “just good enough.” Over time, this denial, isolation, and self-doubt keep you stuck. The longer you stay, the more self-trust erodes, and you may even begin to believe you’re unworthy of change altogether.

This impacts our self-image and creates doubt in our ability to protect and care for ourselves.

The Impact on the Body and Energy

On the body and energetic layer, there is an opening of ourselves and vulnerability we engage in as women, whether it be in physical work and even camming/dancing. We must bypass our need to establish full bodied feeling of safety, security, attraction, connection - and open ourselves to another person - who is there to consume in one way or another. The combination of bypassing our intrinsic bodily need for safety created a massive disconnect from my self response-ability, and sadly, it became easier and easier to do things against my needs and desires more and more as time went on. It becomes easier to override what we truly need and desire, leading to a cycle of self-neglect, and self-distrust in the body. Healing Self-Trust...

One of the most important ways I seriously began rebuilding self-trust after leaving the industry was through forgiveness and acceptance. The last thing I needed was to spiral into shame over my inability to make supportive choices or to focus on the “right” things.

Healing this wound took patience and a lot of self-compassion. Holding my own hand, so to speak, became a daily practice. Rebuilding trust with myself wasn’t an overnight process, but the more I showed up with myself rather than against myself, the more that trust grew. Consistently remembering to check in with my own self to ensure I was being taken care of. Practicing boundaries, with my yes's and no's, and forgiving myself when I slipped up or accidently made a dishonoring decision for myself. Trusting in the larger picture for the outcome of my life, I saw a practiced believing there was a beautiful future waiting for me to meet it. I believed that I was worthy of it. I did whatever it took to meet it. I trusted that I would stay with myself, even if I had a challenging time figuring out my life on a deep level. Acceptance, Patience, Forgiveness, Trust. With love, marie