The Best Decision I Ever Made

 It It’s been a lonely journey. I know that as a matter of fact to be true. Despite this isolation and questioning, I still commit to myself. It’s a confusing thing really, because now, being in a present future of more wealth (metaphorically and literally) than I ever made at once while in the industry, I still struggle with the “who am I now?” question that floods my brain at times. I know for a fact that the “who am I?” question was far from answered and avoided at all costs while I was dancing and sleeping with men for money. I know that me leaving the industry, no matter at what cost, was my begining toward asking and answering that question. It has become so very clear that I do not have to “become” anybody but my own self now. I am my biggest “job” I will ever have, which is both a hard truth but also the most liberating truth. Being in a place where I can be completely and honorably honest with my own self, take deepest care of my body, have complete autonomy in my own sexuality, heal my mind from dissociation - this deep “soul work” is bringing me into the deepest relationship with my self and life in the most musical way I could have ever imagined. THIS is where I come back home to myself over and over again, realizing that no time was ever wasted, and I am where I am right now, answering “who am I?” from a place of no need for a replacement identity. By my forgiving removal of my engagement in the adult industry, I have given my soul a deep purpose; to be with my self. To offer my self/soul the approval and provisions that could not be fulfilled back then. I remember taking that plunge away from all of my clients, cold turkey, 2 years ago. This was FULL faith in myself. Something I had been seeking in external approval, and the constant urge to try to “prove myself” for so long. What I really needed, was to listen to my pain, and save my self. Holding these affirmations “I’m worth it. I deserve all love and respect. I’m provided for by the universal power, and believe it’s on my side, for my highest good. I’m deserving of a life where I get to do what I love and make more wealth than I ever could have imagined.” By holding these thoughts and faith during my process of leaving the adult industry, I watched as things had a way of coming into place in the least expected of ways. Completely new, peaceful environment to live in. Surrounded by supportive uplifting humans. A clear path in the direction of where/what my soul is to do in this life. It felt different to work an hourly job that first year out of the work; it was both very hard to “lower my rate”, but I felt SO much more valuable making an income doing something that honored myself on the soul level. I do not need to replace my identity with anything but my self. True worth, value, empowerment that is unbreakable - can only come from within. That magic leads and supports in unimaginable ways. This. This is how I know that leaving my life in sex work behind was the best decision I could have ever made with and for my soul. This is how I know that I will never go back, and can find safety and comfort in this new life.

Until next time, Marie